12th April 04 - The computerised self-tuning robo-geetar
Please will somebody buy me one of these. It's only $14,500. I await your many offers. I wonder if it can speak. "Why are you beating me?" it will sob.

11th April 04 - Cardiff, London, Sheffield, Leeds, What is a Big Mac?
A string of great gigs. Thanks to the lovely Will Miller, Riff, Paul Zervas and the barely-sane Pete for their wonderful hospitality at the Toucan Club in Cardiff. And to Mark the soundman for building an astonishingly good-sounding rig. And thanks to Mark Roberts in Sheffield. And thanks to Keith from CJ's in Leeds for putting on a superb night, even though I didn't get on stage til nearly midnight. Most of all thanks to the audiences at all these gigs for making them truly soul-nourishing experiences for me. If the crowd aren't enjoying it, and making it obvious to me that they are, then to be honest I might as well be playing in my living room in front of the TV.

Speaking of nourishing, I was thinking last night about McDonalds. I asked myself the question:

What is a Big Mac?

As human animals, when we examine an object to determine whether or not it is "food", we have 2 main criteria: 1) it tastes nice, and/or 2) it provides nutrition. Since a Big Mac fulfills neither of these criteria, can it in fact be described as food? I was thinking what else they could call it, and came up with "facial insertions". They could advertise it as follows:

Tired of having an empty face?

Can't find any tissue paper to stuff in your mouth?

Why not try a Big Mac™?

(Caution: not to be swallowed or licked. Sugary soft drinks are available should accidental licking occur.)

Just a thought.

25th March 04 - Performing Chimp
Performing Chimp Records is the label we set up to release my album on. So far there are 2 other bands officially signed to the label: kick-ass jazz-punk-rock-funksters Gallo, and the equally funktastical Love Panda, from Manchester (go to the links page to check out their website).

Why "Performing Chimp"? Since I was a teeny child, my least favourite thing has been when people find out that I play guitar and corner me menacingly with the words "go on then - play something". Things I have played routinely in this situation over the years include - in chronological order from drooling-toddler to late-teens (still drooling):

•"Etude in A minor" by Fernando Carulli (1770-1841)

•A 12-bar blues riff, which was the coolest thing ever when I was little, and still is.

•"Hey Joe" by Jimi Hendrix

•"Eugene's Trick Bag" by Steve Vai, which is from the end of the film Crossroads starring Ralph Macchio from "Karate Kid", and is legendary for it's difficulty and face-melting speed.

•"Eleanor Rigby" as performed by Stanley Jordan - an insanely good jazz guitarist, who plays with both hands on the neck, tapping out chords and basslines with one hand and melodies and solos with the other, like a pianist. Check him out here

However, these days when someone says "play something" I just point out that I am not a performing chimp. The irony being that, of course, I am.

Anyway, the reason for this whole diary entry is just a pathetic excuse for putting this on the website:

Download a video of a chimp doing karate!!! Right-click the picture and select "save target as" (I tried to decide if this was cruel to the chimp, but I'm confident that it isn't - he certainly seems to be having a ball)

22nd March 04 - Deep-fried
Since my last diary entry I have played in London, Liverpool, Leeds, Huddersfield and Nottingham. I'd like to thank my guitar pupils for being so tolerant of me having to cancel their lessons! Most of these gigs have gone well, and I've done my crazy-thing in front of new audiences, which is the whole point (of my life). And sold some more CD's (a lot more!)

Thanks to everyone who came to the showcase gig at The City Varieties in Leeds. It was fascinating, and even a bit nerve-wracking, to play on the stage that had been graced by so many legends over the last hundred-or-so years. Whenever anbody went off from the backstage area to take a leak, John Keenan (the promoter) said, "You know who else has used that toilet..?" and then went on to list a gallery of weak-bladdered stars. The sound system is so "clean" that from the stage you cannot hear anything that's blasting through those massive speakers into the ears of the audience. And the lighting is such that you are literally staring into space - it is total blackness. It's like some weird sensory-deprivation chamber. It was great that so many people came up to me afterwards to say "I heard you on the radio yesterday, and had to come down to see you play!"

So most of the recent gigs have gone smoothly. But here's one that didn't (for your amusement or sympathy, depending what kind of person you are).

Liverpool, last Thursday: we were driving down the scenic M62, when my "navigator" suddenly announced "oops, we missed our turning 2 junctions ago", so I got off the motorway, turned around and came back down the other side for a few miles. When we reached the appropriate junction the sign said "warrington", which seemed odd. I expressed my feelings on this, which prompted the "navigator" to whisper, barely audibly, "hmm, yes, on second thoughts it was back at the other exit after all". So we got to see the same bit of motorway 3 times. (N.B. Jonathan the navigator is a lovely man and it could have happened to anyone. So if anyone's seen him hitch-hiking on the M62, please give him a lift. To see where his talents really lie, download the video from the "Music/Video" page).

We then got totally lost in Liverpool, and eventually found the venue (the Barfly). When Natasha (my manager) said to Clare, the lady managing the venue, "this seems like a great venue", Clare burst into laughter. This does not bode well. We nipped out to get a bite to eat, which turned out to be a deep-fried veggie-burger (I'm sure the bloke would've deep-fried the bun, the lettuce and the can of Fanta if he could've fit it in the vat of oil. George Bush would invade us if he knew we had that much oil.) Back to the venue. The sound system was great, the engineer was great. I spoke to the other band, who were from Liverpool, who were on after me. "Do you have some fans coming to see you" I asked. "Yes, we told them it starts at 10pm" they said. "I'm on at 9" I said. "We don't care" they didn't say. So I started my set playing to Natasha and Jonathan and nobody else - not even the other band or Clare-the-laughing-woman were in sight. After a few songs, a trickle of people started to wander in, having evidently arrived early by mistake. By the end there were about 12 people there, but at least they were going crazy at the end of each song, so it wasn't so bad after all. The sound man said "you really impressed those kids tonight". I said thanks. He said "no - listen - they're never impressed."

13th Feb 04 - gig @ CJ's Music Bar - Jon Gomm + The Smokestacks + Beretta
In the darkest depths of Kirkstall lurks an emporium of liqour and karaoke, but venture ye down the steps into the cellar beneath, and ye shall find a place of light and sound. (Oh yes, and the drummer from The Smokestacks went to my school in Blackpool, which is a coincidence too far, in my book. THEY must have sent him to watch me. But they'll never know the truth. HA HA HA HA.) P.S. Regular visitors to this page will notice that it has started to fill up with photos of me, which is OK, but I worry that you people can only take so much beauty before you start to feel inferior and have plastic surgery. Therefore this is soon to be rectified, and hopefully future photos will be of YOU the audience at my gigs. So next time you're at one of my gigs BEWARE - you may be under surveillance.

thanks to Johnny Light for these pics. Go to his site www.freedomcostsmoney.com

7th Feb 04 - gig @ The Grove
Best gig I've done so far this year. The place was totally packed - there were people there waiting when I arrived at the venue to set up! As it was only me playing, I did 2 full sets, the second being of unimaginable length. But they keep cheering, I keep playing - it's a pretty simple equation. God knows how many songs I played. I was pretty happy with my performance, which is good, cos the gig was being filmed by 2 different people, one of whom is a pro, so WATCH THIS SPACE FOR VIDEO FOOTAGE!!!!!! Sold pantloads of CDs. Thanks if you were in the audience - you were truly the tops. I apologise for any ill-thought-out rants I may have subjected you to, but sometimes I develop an inflated sense of the importance of my own opinion, and feel it's my duty to share my wisdom. It's amazing the effect that a spotlight can have on on my fragile brain. Here's some pics from the show:

these photos are ©Jonathan Bullock 2004 www.inframedia.co.uk

31st Jan 04 - gig @ The Royal Park Cellars - Foley + Jon Gomm + Nikoli
Great venue with a nice "underground" feel. I only played 5 songs, cos of the amount of time needed for soundchecks, etc. (Foley have the most gear I've ever seen, and Nikoli have four-part vocal harmonies, both of which required some effort from the lovely soundman, Rick. The results were well worth it, I hasten to add!) So I didn't really have time to get into my stride, and didn't really feel satisfied at the end of my set. To read a review of this gig click here (I should point out that I had a minor personal disagreement with the reviewer a few months ago, so I thank him for managing not to slag me off.) Thanks to Steve Kind for organising the gig, and saying he'd not been so impressed by a guitarist since he first saw John Martyn in the 60's. I'm playing there again in May, and I promise to KICK ASS OR YOUR MONEY BACK. Here's some pics:

photos © Kevin Petch 2004 www.thoroughbrednewmedia.co.uk

22nd Jan 04 - gig @ The Cockpit, Leeds - Jon Gomm + Gallo + Hayley Avron
First time for me at the cockpit. Hayley from the band Tenessee Traincrash opened the show with a nice solo set. Second on were four-piece Gallo, who rocked unbelievably hard with their unique mixture of rock, jazz, funk and grunge. Really great musicians, tight band, well-written songs. What more could you want.

I started my set with Hey Child, which is a good tune to get me and the rest of the room in the right frame of mind. Gets me wound up, in other words (steaming from the ears, etc.) Took me a while to get comfortable and I had an annoying sound problem early on (which was entirely my fault, not that of Chris Catylyst: gig organiser and sound engineer).

The audience were enthusiastic - I'm sure I could see drooling at some points, and I was a bit scared. Thanks to everyone who came to the show - see if you can spot yourself below! And mucho thanks to everyone who bought my CD on the night.

photos by Lemonhead Ron

20th Jan 04 - the arrival
First diary entry! The CD's finally arrived yesterday. I have 1000 of them in my living room at the moment. I don't know if you've ever seen 1000 CD's, but it's like sitting in the shadow of Mount Eiger. I can only see the telly from one precise vantage point, and even then there's significant leaning involved. PITY ME!!!!!!!

Looking forward to the Italy trip - the Festival's in Soave, which is a major red wine producing region. Which is, of course, totally irrelevant, cos drinking is BAD as we all know. (The trick is, drink so much that you can't remember doing it. I'm tee-total as far as I know.)

Writing a new song at the moment. Guitar-wise I'm writing it in standard tuning, and then I'll probably come up with an arrangement in an altered tuning that best fits the chords/melody. Sometimes I do it the other way round - tune to a cool tuning, perhaps from a song by someone else, then come up with interesting sounds just by fiddling around. The only problem with the latter approach is that you can end up playing the same chord sequences but, because the fingerings are unfamiliar, you don't realise. So the tunings disguise TO YOU the fact that your songs all sound the same, but your audience don't know or care what tuning you're in, so they just hear the same song over and over.

Gotta go now. Bye!

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